You Again?
by averagepoptart
Summary: Voldemort has work to attend to in Forks. He didn't expect to run into a certain Hogwarts Student who he had thought to be long gone. No one can escape the wrath of the Dark Lord, not even the immortal. RATED T FOR TERRIBLE.
1. You Again?

So this is my first story! I never thought my first story would be in the humor category but whatever.

The characters are a little out of character. It takes place during the scene when Edward leaves Bella in New Moon. It just doesn't go as planned this time…. There is some language, but I'm pretty sure you guys can deal.

Some of you may ask, 'Why can't Edward hear Voldemort's thoughts?' The answer: VOLDEMORT IS AWESOME! That's why.

I might make it into more than just a one shot.

You Again?

I am in a small town in North America. It is a dreary, wet place, and I have no desire to be here. Sadly I have duties to attend to very near this place that I cannot leave to my followers.

It is night time as I walk through a massive, green forest. The moon is full and shines down eerily on the fog covered earth of the forest.

Ahead I can hear voices. One male and one female I guess. The one sounds familiar. I never do forget a voice.

Of course! It's that boy who was with Harry Potter. He's the one boy who I killed in the graveyard after the Triwizard Tournament. Cedric Diggory. His voice sounds different now.

The two come into my vision, but I am invisible to them, thanks to a spell. Sure enough there he is, standing next to a rather dull young muggle girl in a clearing in the forest.

She mutters in a mind-numbing, humdrum of a voice, "Edward, please don't leave me."

Oh good lord, so he's calling himself Edward now is he?

"Bella, I can't stand to hurt you anymore. All that I have brought you is trouble." He says back.

What the hell happened to his voice? Wasn't he British? I bet he thinks he's so amazing just because he can change his voice like that. Herpdy freakin derp! I'm a shiny, perfect American now!

"Edward, p-please," the girl Bella stutters. If she starts crying I WILL fucking kill her.

"I-I don't care if you're a vampire! I love you!" she mutters.

Oh so you love him now do yo- what the hell? Vampire? When between me casting the killing curse and him lying cold and dead on the ground did he decide it was possible to become a vampire? Avada Kedavra is an irreversible, inexorable curse! You cannot just become a vampire after you have already been killed. What type of little world does this 'Edward' live in?

Well I can simply fix this.

I make my way out from behind the tree I've been standing behind. I lift the invisibility spell and step towards them.

The boy sees me first and his eyes widen in surprise. Ahah! I have you now. Let us see your vampire ass survive the killing curse the second time through!

"Cedric Diggory-"

"Hey, can you give us a minute?" that vile girl gripes at me. Cedric's head whips over to gape at her.

"Um Bella-" he murmurs to her.

"No! You will not use this as an excuse to stop this conversation! You are not leaving me! I can handle this stuff! And I can definitely handle some pasty, nose less freak in a robe!" This bitch thinks I'm pasty? She's a human and she is almost as pale a her little vampire boyfriend! "You know if you would just turn me into a vampire I could deal with this stuff better! You should've just let me turn into one after James bit me!" Or you should've just snapped her neck right then and there, I think.

"B-Bella. What is wrong with you! You're killing us both!" Cedric/Edward croaks.

I raise my wand. The girl dies first.

Before I can curse her she whips around and stalks angrily towards me.

"Bring it bitch!" she screams.

Well okay then foolish girl.

"_Avada Kedav-"_ from out of nowhere a giant beast jumps out of the forest and attacks Cedric. I am distracted and stop to watch. It is like a giant wolf. Some type of parody of one of the Children of the Moon.

"Jacob!" the banshee of a girl shrieks, "Don't hurt Edward! You know I love you both! Why can't you just accept that?" This Bella obviously has some weird taste in men.

Jacob the wolf is ripping at Cedric's head but he grabs the wolf by the tail and launches him high into the air. I look up as he rips straight up into the sky and through a cloud. It's almost like some kind of cartoon. A really, really sucksh cartoon

"Edward you can't treat Jacob like that!" Bella mumbles grasping onto Cedric's arm in a painful looking death grip, as he stumbles backwards away from me into the woods.

"We've got to get out of here! Quick!" Edward whispers to her. In his panic his voice slips back into his British accent.

He whips around and runs away with her still gripping his arm unwilling to ever let go.

The words, "Why do you sound British?" are left behind by the girl.

Well that was weird. Maybe I don't need to kill him after all. If he dies he will have peace and quiet away from that wretched girl. Leaving him like this would be best. Once he gives into her nagging he will turn her into a vampire, then poor little Cedric will be stuck with her for all eternity. It's probably just as bad as being kissed by a dementor.

It is fitting.

I leave the clearing chuckling to myself, in a much better mood. I laugh even harder as I hear the body of the wolf hit the earth behind me.


	2. You Can Run

I've decided I am going to update this again (Obviously) and I will update it many more times.

I got a few reviews last time which I am very happy for:) Lucky for you all guys I'm not going to go all crazy on you and demand more reviews for more chapters. It makes me mad when people do that. If I don't update for a long time it means I'm busy, lazy or dead. I urge you to pick whichever one you want when I don't update for long periods of time.

So in conclusion, if you like it, that's awesome. But I'm not going to piss you off by ransoming the story for more reviews.

You Can Run

Nothing upsets me more than having to visit pointless places for pointless reasons. So being in Volturi, Italy is not exactly making my day.

However much I do not like the place and however much I do not want to be here, it is still necessary to my plans. In this small Italian city was a coven of vampires. They are an odd breed of vampire, one that I am not entirely familiar with. I do know that they sparkle in the sunlight in a very un-vampire-like way.

This coven of vampires has an object of much importance to me. They have told me it is an object that can be made into a horcrux. Of course any old object can be made into a horcrux, but this, they say, is special object. When turned into a horcrux it cannot be destroyed. This is what they have said at least. If they are mistaken or lying to me, then the sparkling, false vampires will meet their end.

That's another thing about these 'vampires.' They believe that they are the strongest creatures on the planet. What they do not understand is how easily a wizard could kill them with a simple curse. How we could take apart their marble bodies and set them on fire with an effortless charm. They do not understand how easily they could be taken down by a true vampire, or a werewolf, or any other magical half-breed.

All around me in the city of Volturi are muggles dressed in crimson red robes. It is a festival, a festival that I have not taken any time to learn about. The muggles cannot see me, so concerned with their pathetic lives, their insignificant happiness and woes. They cannot see true power.

Oh. My. God.

"Why would Edward come here I still don't get it!" It's the boring muggle girl that I saw in Washington a few months back. She is still human, and even more upsetting; still alive. She is talking to a small pixie like vampire. I can feel power radiating from the pixie. She could be useful to me one day, if my hunch is correct. I believe she can see into the future.

"Edward is going to expose himself to the sunlight and to the city. Everyone will know what he is." The pixie says it a high tinkling, slightly annoying voice.

"Alice, what does that even mean? Why would he do that?" the dumb muggle asks.

"You jumped off that cliff. I saw you fall off in my vision and thought you were dead," so she _can _see the future, "I told Edward and he knew that he couldn't live without you. He thought that none of us would help him commit suicide, which of course we would. He's been getting on our nerves you see. Did you know he's gone vegetarian?" I laugh out loud causing a group of muggle girls to turn around startled before they went back to their giggling. Cedric is a vegetarian vampire! What the hell does that even mean?

The girl Alice continues, "So he came here to Italy, he's going to expose himself to the sun at noon. No idea why he picked noon but whatever. He should probably just get over with it or he's going to chicken out. After he walks out naked into the sun the Volturi will kill him."

I'm in a laughing fit by now. It makes perfect sense. The muggle missed Edward/Cedric and decided to do something stupid and reckless. The future teller pixie saw the future of her doing this and told Cedric. Cedric, being a teenage girl, decided to overreact and kill himself. If he wanted to die he could just go to Hogwarts and a first year could kill him.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" the muggle girl shouts hilariously and I break out in a new fit of laughter. The girl starts running off towards a fountain. Where is she going? She stops in front of the fountain as if confused and runs back to Alice.

"Um, by chance do you know where he is?" the girl asks and I roll my eyes.

"He's going to be under the clock," Alice tells her.

"Why?"

"So he can tell what time it is, I guess. He isn't very smart." Alice says in a pained voice.

But Bella is already running as fast a she can, which isn't very fast towards the clock. She still doesn't know where it is, so she stops to ask for directions. She then remembers that she is in fact a stupid idiot and doesn't know how to speak Italian.

I follow the confused muggle as she searches through the crowd for the clock and Edward. I can easily see the clock over the crowds and it only about fifty feet away from where she is right now. She turns away from the direction of the clock and attempts to dramatically jump over the fountain. She kind of fails, a lot, and falls face first.

She sits up, looks around, and mumbles something to herself. What an idiot. She spots the GIANT FREAKING CLOCK finally and comes back in the direction she came from.

"EDWARD!" she yells way too loud, and everybody turns to stare.

She starts running in slow motion. It's awful. Please let the Volturi kill her. If they don't I might. I might give up my plan of letting her annoy Cedric for eternity and just kill both of them. That sounds like a fun idea.

"EEEEEDDDWAAARRRDDDDDD!" she absolutely screeches. I lift my wand; I am unable to stop laughing though so I decide to spare her. I haven't really laughed in years. I decide that I am going to watch this play out before I kill them. I could still get some entertainment out of this.

Bella is still running in fake slow motion when she sees Edward in an ally way about twenty feet from where she is. She then decides that she needs to stop being an idiot and actually run. Running isn't a good thing for this muggle. She trips and falls every few seconds. This unfortunately gives Edward/Cedric enough time to see her and head for the hills. He tries to use his vampire speed to run away from her back into the alleyway but I'm not having it.

To stop him I place him under a freezing spell until his human can get there. In his face I can see panic. Maybe he wasn't killing himself because of his muggle. Maybe he was just…. I have no freaking idea what he was doing, but I bet it was stupid and I refuse to believe that he is anything but a teenage girl.

The girl Bella gets there after much stumbling and tripping. She locks Edward in a death grip and starts crying and screaming at him, "It's ok Edward! You don't have to kill yourself! I didn't kill myself! I'm alive, see! ALIIIIIVVEE!" she screeches. Edward looks horrified.

"Oh… um yes, Bella. Your're…. alive. How unfortu-," he stops then says in a fake excited high voice that slips into him old accent, "How woooonnnndeerfull." It is wonderful isn't it Edward?

"So Edward, I see you've found your human." What is THAT?

Oh snap.


	3. Everyone's An Idiot

So it's time to update again! Yayayaya! You should feel pretty happy if you're following this story, because that's like two updates in four days now:D Now I don't like this chapter very much but whatever.

And if any of you caught it then good for you, I realized the city is called not Volturi, but Volterra, Italy. Sorry about my sucky memory. This part where they're underground is more like the book than the movie if I'm remembering right. Sigh, I feel like I'm rambling today. Hopefully I'm not.

Enjoy!

Everyone's an Idiot

Yes, I really just _did_ think, 'Oh Snap.' I promise I will never do that again.

The little girl in front of me is far too young to be a vampire. What idiot would make a twelve year old into a vampire? The thing must daily risk their existence. And what's worse, I can feel the power radiating off of her. She obviously is one of the more gifted vampires. She must be one of the vampires with extra powers.

Cedric looks a bit freaked out by her too. There is another man standing next to her as well; another vampire.

I keep myself hidden from them as they mumble about things I do not care about; how the girl is not dead. Wow shocker. They are all just so smart. The pixie shows up and joins into the conversation. Eventually they head down the alley. I follow, still invisible.

They come to a covered hole in the middle of the alley. The baby vampire uncovers the hole and jumps in. The pixie jumps in next and coaxes the muggle girl in after her. When she won't jump down, Edward/Cedric pushes her harshly where she falls down 150 feet and dies a horrible death. Her soul is still trapped in that underground tunnel.

Not really. But that would've made things so much easier. She falls down about ten feet and lands in the hands of the pixie vampire. She immediately starts whining about how she will surely have bruises. The other vampire pushes Edward/Cedric into the hole and body slams him into the ground.

I jumped into the hole after them; nobody had bothered to close it for some reason. Oh yea. Vampires are so smart.

I follow them as they make their way through the putrid sewer; the muggle stumbles and whines the whole way. Whenever she trips the vampires ignore her for the most part. Whenever she is not stumbling around she latches onto Cedric with her usual death grip, whining in a high pitched voice about how mad she is at him for leaving. The Volturi vampires chuckle at him under their breath.

At the end of the tunnel there is an elevator. Why is there an elevator at the end of a sewer, which should be for holding water? I have no clue. They all pile into the elevator and the door starts to close without me. I stop it before it closes and sneak in with them.

When the door stays open the pixie vampire says, "Edward, get your fat ass out of the way." Cedric, who seems to be close to tears now, complies. He tries once again to shake his muggle off of him but fails. Cedric does not make a good vampire.

The elevator door closes and moves up. Everyone is silent as jazz music plays in the background. When it stops we are in a reception area. Do they really need a reception area? And why did we need to take the sewer? We really could have just walked in the front door. But no. These vampires have to do everything the sinister way. They sure are sinister.

There is a human woman at the reception desk. I bet she wants to be a vampire too, how adorable.

She makes a pathetic attempt to get one of the vampire's attentions but everyone completely ignores her, except for Bella, who apparently thinks that the other muggle is jealous of her and hugs onto Edward/Cedric even more tightly. He winces and pushes Bella on the ground. He lets out a little hopeful smile as if thinking that maybe he'll be able to get away from her someday. Not a chance Cedric. Not. A. Chance.

Sure enough she gets up quickly and once again latches onto Edward's arm. She mumbles, "Sorry I fell. I'm just so clumsy," Edward/Cedric rolls his eyes as they walk into a large hallway. We walk through some very large, very ornate old doors. We end up in a large room that judging by the three large thrones is their throne room. The three Volturi kings that I am here to see sit in the thrones. I make myself visible and stride ahead of the group of vampires that I came in with. I hear four gasps from behind me and the vampire in the center throne smiles as his face lights up.

I hear someone rushing me from behind very quickly, but not quickly enough. I spin around in time to see the male Volturi Vampire rushing me. Bitch please. I whip out my wand and hiss, _"Avada Kedavra!" _It hits him as he was in mid pounce, hit eyes light up in surprise as the green light smashes him in the face. He only has a moment before he sets on fire and burns to nothing.

All is silent in the room the stunned vampires stare at me in horror. I keep a menacing face on even though I want nothing more than to burst out laughing. I turn back around to face the three king 'vampires.' Some tough vampires they are. I wish I could listen into their heads and how they must be re-thinking their immortality.

"Well, that wasn't a very nice… welcome," I hiss. The leader of the Volturi sits in his seat with a very grave face. I feel a fluttering on the edge of my consciousness. It is coming from the baby vampire. I turn around to face her. She is glaring at me. What a little bitch, I think. I raise my wand to punish her for whatever she is trying to do to me when the king vampire yells out.

"Wait!" I turn around with a questioning look on my face, "Young Jane, apologize now!"

I turn back to look at her, she is still glaring, "Yes Aro," she says, "I am soo very sorry."

What a sarcastic little thing. I ignore her and face Aro, "You know why I am here?" I hiss.

He nods, "Yes. First we must deal with Edward and his dear human Bella. It seems we have reason to celebrate!" He says happily. All of the other vampires are still gaping at me open mouthed.

Aro touches the hand of the vampire to his right and that vampire gets up and stands in the corner of the room. Aro gestures for me to sit down in the now empty chair to his right. I glide over and take the seat.

Aro and the vampires talk and I tune them out. I survey the room. There are many vampires in here, including one who is as young as the girl Jane. The vampires are all staring at me but eventually they start to ignore me a little bit, only glancing at me occasionally. I'm glad to have finally knocked down their egos a little bit.

The talking quickly escalates into a fight, but it's very boring and it's very hard to pay attention. I do find out what the little girl was trying to do to me earlier. Apparently she can make anyone muggle or vampire feel extreme pain whenever she stares at them with a cute, very un-vampire like smile. During the fight she does it to Edward/Cedric. When she tries to do it to Bella though, it turns out that Bella is 'special' and it doesn't work on her. I agree. Bella is a very special muggle. Special Education, that is.

Eventually they let the muggle, the pixie and Cedric leave, but not before telling them to make sure to turn Bella into a vampire… or else. How scary.

Once they leave a vampire brings in an item on a pillow. A necklace. Hanging from it is a vial of blood.

"This is it?" I ask.

"Yes," Aro answers standing up. He takes the necklace off of the pillow and brings it over to where I'm sitting.

Well…. what the hell is it? I want to ask. But instead I just wait.

"This is a vial of blood," No shit Sherlock, "Blood taken from a vampire when he was still human."

"Yes, I have heard the legends. This is blood from your breed of vampire though?" I ask him quickly becoming enraged.

He looks at me puzzled, "Well yes. What other type of vampire is there other than us?"

I glare at him, not saying a thing. This man is truly a fool. I should kill him, kill them all. There is a legend about this. The legend says that if you take the blood of a vampire while he is still human, put it in a vile, and attach it to a necklace, you can turn it into a horcrux; an indestructible horcrux. But it only works with real vampire blood. These vampires blood would be useless, for they hold no magic.

I keep glaring at him and send him flying at the wall with a wandless curse. He hits the marble wall with a crack and falls to the ground unconscious. I came to Italy for no reason at all. All the vampires stand stock still except for the young one Jane who comes at me hissing with a fangless mouth. Pathetic, I think to myself. Are all vampires idiots?

Probably.

I give her a taste of her own medicine as I cast the crucio curse at her. She screams in pain and rage. I stare around me and all of the vampires are still just standing there. Above me is a beautiful stained glass ceiling. I smile and fly upwards smashing through the ceiling. That is the last time I deal with vampires for a long time. At least I hope it is.

Dun, Dun, Dun! Foreshadowing! If you've got the time please review! I like to know how I'm doing, and don't worry, I'm good with criticism.


	4. Is it Possible to Get High on Vampire?

**Here is the next chapter! I particularly like the last half of the chapter, the beginning is kind of slow as you may find, but don't lose hope! There is a bit more language in this chapter than there has been so far, but I trust you guys can be big kids about it.**** So, without further interruption, enjoy!**

Is it possible to get high on vampire crystals?

I once promised myself, not too long ago, that I would never return to the small, wet town in Washington. But here I am, annoyed once again at having business with a nearby wizard. Why can he not live in a place that doesn't suck so hard?

I would simply apparate to his secluded home in the middle of the woods, but much like many places in the magical world, the house has apparation restrictions many miles out from it. So now once again, for the _second_ time, I am trudging through forest, invisible and unseen. Not that anybody is around.

_If Voldemort is invisible, walking through the forest and nobody else is around, is he still invisible? Yes he is._

I come upon a valley and it seems like a battle, a pretty lame battle at that, is taking place. Growls, screams, and hisses are being exchanged as vampires run around the field, literally ripping heads and limbs off of each other. When a limb is ripped off or smashed, there is an explosion of what looks to be crystals. Really? These vampires don't have blood? How can they… never mind, bad thoughts.

I recognize one of the vampires as she flits past me and leaps onto the back of a nearby vampire. She's the pixie vampire, Alice. Before he can do a thing she rips his head off his shoulders. She laughs a loud tinkling laugh and bites into his head. Cedric has some pretty awesome or quite possibly insane friends. Either way, Cedric should take notes.

There is a large purple fire burning brightly in the middle of the valley. Alice drapes the body of the vampire over her shoulder and zips over to the fire, head still held in her mouth. She spits the head into the fire and then the body. Purple smoke billows out from the body of the corpse.

She lets out another crazed laugh and then she disappears in a blur that I can barely make out. She reappears farther away and starts to fight another vampire, one that must be at least two times her size.

I notice that there are other creatures in the valley. There are many large dogs exactly like the one that I saw in the forest the last time that I visited this area. They are fighting along with the vampires. I wonder whose side they are on. I also wonder whose side the pixie vampire is on. I don't see Cedric/Edward anywhere. Shouldn't he be helping his little pixie fight? No. He's too much of a pussy to be fighting.

The fight is winding down now. In fact it is over. There are only seven vampires left and the wolves are retreating to the forest. The vampires that are still alive clean up the bodies by throwing them into the growing fire. There is however one vampire that stands out from the rest. She is young, very young. Her red eyes stand out from the rest of the living vampires, all of which have the golden eyes of vegetarian vampires. There is one vampire watching her as she sits by the fire, she must have surrendered to them.

A loud yell comes from the forest across the valley; a blond vampire follows the sound and comes back a few minutes later looking disgruntled. He explains to the other vampires, now patiently standing by the fire, that one of the _werewolves_ was ambushed by one of the vampires that they failed to kill. Idiots. Don't they know that they're vampires? Shouldn't they have been able to hear a vampire sneaking around in the forest? I guess not. The vampire, I find out his name is Carlisle, tells them that the wolf, Jacob, will be ok. This… disappoints me to no end.

Alice ignores the entire conversation and bounces around the fire like a lunatic, moving nearly too fast for me to spot her.

Is it possible to get high on vampire crystals? It is _entirely _possible.

From the far corner of the forest comes Mr. Sparkle Balls himself, Cedric/Edward. And who is that he is carrying? Could it be? Yes, it could be! It's Bella and she is dead!

Before I have time to properly celebrate, she opens her eyes and whispers, "So you're sure Jake is going to be okay?"

Edward/Cedric rolls his eyes toward the sky and seems to curse whatever God controls this world and says to her, "Probably. Why does it even matter? You love me. Remember?"

"No, I love both of you. But I love you more, doesn't that count? And what the hell does probably mean?" she asks managing to sound annoyed and bored at the same time.

"It means he might die, or he might not," he replies with a scowl on his face. Looks like _somebody_ is on his period.

"You still love me even though I kissed Jake though don't you?" she asks.

"Nope." He says back to her

Bella seems placated and starts playing with her hair. It makes me wonder if she just listens to what she wants to hear and filters out the rest. The two of them reach the fire and Edward drops Bella flat on her ass next to the baby vampire, whose mouth practically starts watering. The baby vampire lunges and is grabbed by the blond curly haired vampire before she can sink her teeth in to the block of wood named Bella.

"What the hell was that Edward?" she shrieks, completely oblivious to the fact that she was almost slaughtered. She shoots upwards and tries to get into Edwards face as he backs up quickly.

"That, um that was, I… love… you?" what a little bitch that Cedric has turned into.

She gasps, "OMG I love you too! We have so much in common!" She runs up to him and tries to hug him linebacker style. Her face connects with his chest, the impact breaks her nose and it immediately starts gushing blood.

The family of vampires who had up until this point had been trying not to throw up at Cedric and Bella's corrupt and confusing love affair, turn on Bella in contempt.

"Really Bella?"

"You know what this does to us!"

"You dumb bitch!"

"Come _on_!"

"That is like the third time this _week_!"

"I finally quit drinking human blood and then every three seconds you throw _this _in my face!"

The muggle just shakes her head at them and says in amusedly, "Oh you guys are so funny sometimes. I know you would never hurt me. You love me!"

The blond girl vampire screams, "_I can't __**take**__ it anymore_!" and jumps with powerful speed toward the unsuspecting Bella. Two of the men vampires grab her arms before she can touch Bella, although I can see it in their eyes, they want the muggle to die just as much as the blond.

The entire time Edward/Cedric just stands there and does nothing to try and save his muggle. You can tell he is once again wondering why God hates him so much. Here's a lesson for you Edward, God hates pussies, and God hates you.

The struggle goes on between the blond and the other vampires in the group. Bella just stands where she is probably daydreaming about having a threesome with Edward and Jacob. She takes a break from her fantasy to calmly ask anybody who is listening a question about who the creepy little girl vampire girl writhing around on the ground is. Nobody is listening to her though.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?"

Oh snap. Damn it all I've said it again.

It's the vampire girl from Volterra. Now this is a surprising turn of events.

Everybody stops moving. Even Edward and Bella, the resident dip-shits, look up and stare at the vampire and her posse.

"Jane, what a surprise," says Carlisle pleasantly.

"Yea Jane, what a _huge freaking __**surprise **_it is to see you here," Cedric spits out.

"How very subtle of you Edward." The blond vampire says.

"Bitch."

"Gay-wad."

"Slut."

"Pencil dick."

"Blond whore!"

"Ass face!"

"BITCH!"

"PIANO PLAYER!"

Edward lets loose a blood curdling yell and leaps at the blond vampire.

"Rosalie!" one of the vampires yells.

All of a sudden, Bella appears in Cedric's path and screams, "STOP! CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE TEARING US APART?"

Everybody rolls their eyes at her.

There is a small cough and Edward stops in his tracks, "Should we come back at a better time?" Jane asks with a smirk evident on her face.

"No that's fine Edward and Rosalie are terribly sorry for the interruption. Isn't that right kids?" asks Carlisle.

Rosalie growls at Carlisle in response and Cedric whispers, "Yes daddy."

"Ahem, well alright then. We are sorry that we arrived so late. But I see that you have handled the rouge vampires. How many were there exactly?"

"One hundred thousand. I fought them off single handedly," Edward says proudly.

"Edward you little shit. You didn't fight at all," Carlisle says offhandedly, Edward stares at his feet in much like a neglected child would, Carlisle continues, "There were about thirty of them."

"That is impressive. It is too bad that we didn't get here in time to help you," Jane says.

"Yea, that is too bad," Edward hisses sarcastically.

Carlisle smacks him upside the head, "Hey! Did I say you could speak? You know what? Bella is no longer the reigning queen of dip-shits. You are. Bella, when we get home I want you give your honorary dip-shit crown to Edward. Can you do that for me?"

"No. I accidently flushed it down the toilet."

"Ok it's settled th- What? You- how…. See, this is what you are Edward. You are worse than Bella. Congratulations."

"We are leaving now. Sometime you should stop by Volterra Carlisle. Aro does miss you."

"Of course, I would love to see Aro again," says Carlisle, who is finally calming down. Jane nods to him and turns to leave.

"Hey, who is she?" Bella shouts and points towards the vampire girl who is rocking back and forth on the ground like a mad woman. Carlisle and the rest of his group of vampires groan and Jane and her posse turn back towards the group.

"You don't know who she is? I thought she was with you," Jane asks puzzled.

"Yes, she is with us," says Carlisle.

"Well I've never seen her!" says Bella.

Jane stares at Bella then the girl on the ground, then looks to Carlisle, "Explain," she says simply.

"She was in the battle. She surrendered," Carlisle says to her.

"We have no leniency for those who break the law," Jane replies in a dead voice.

"Yes. I understand," Carlisle says defeated. You really fought hard for her life didn't you Carlisle old buddy?

"Felix, take care of that _thing._ I want to go home," Jane says as she walks toward the forest.

A large vampire from her posse steps forward towards the small vampire on the ground. She screams as he picks her up.

Edward stands next to Bella and whispers into her ear, "Don't watch."

"… Don't tell me what to do!"


	5. The Edwad and Bella

**Yea I know that it has been a while since I last updated, but at least you get something, and I promise to those of you who are following this story, I promise I'll try to update sooner next time! Many thanks to all those who have reviewed, they've all been very nice and sweet reviews. Also thank you for all the alerts and favorites**

The Edwad and Bella

I ended up having to stay in Forks for much longer than I had originally planned. There had been complications back in England, the Order had launched a large attack on my followers and it was not yet safe for me to return. The only safe house in the area was the home of John Morton, a powerful dark wizard who resided in the forest of Forks, Washington. I had been with him when I had gotten the news of the attack and Morton had excitedly allowed me to stay with him.

He was a very tall and muscular man with dark skin and a stupid grin permanently plastered on his face. John is also what you would call…. a dumb ass. On closer inspection of his mind through occlumency, I discovered that his idiocy went even further than I had first imagined. He believed himself the most powerful wizard in the world, his powers surpassing even mine. His hobbies were cooking, knitting, and antiquing. ANTIQUING.

The first morning at the house he insisted that I come upstairs for breakfast. I hexed him countless times but he persisted and I had no choice but to eventually give in. After I sat down, he placed a plate in front of me that contained a pancake, two eggs, and bacon. It took me a moment to realize that the eggs and the bacon formed a magical blinking smile. I glared up at John with a look that should have caused him to poop his pants and maybe even commit suicide, but he was just standing there, arms crossed with a stupid fucking look on his smug face.

"Eat it. You'll looovve it," he spoke in the sing song voice of the retarded. With another glare I sent the plate flying at his face and stomped back down stairs. There was no more magical food after that, but John still encouraged me to do crafts with him and join him on his stupid errands. Normally I wouldn't go with him, but John had a special power. Anyone near enough to him could never be found with any type of magic. So I always had to be within a quarter of a miles distance from him. So I was forced to go out shopping eating and ANTIQUING with him on a daily basis. I'm not even talking about magical object antiquing. It was full on MUGGLE ANTIQUING.

When it was safe again I was so going to murder the bastard.

Today John is dragging me along to a wedding. John has a muggle car that we use to drive the short distance to a large house in the forest. John always insists on listening to muggle music when we go anywhere and right now the channel is Radio Disney, a channel full of the most insufferable music that I have ever known.

John stops the car, swings his head over to look at me and lets one of his annoying sighs. It's a tell tale sign that he's about to say something. Something _incredibly_ stupid.

"Voldy old pal, we have to be _really _careful here. I know that this looks like a normal house and everything, but it isn't. It's full of deadly, deadly creatures called vampires. They could kill the both of us in seconds if they wanted to. So just be careful. Don't cause any problems, okay?" he says the last part with a bright white smile and a wink.

I glare at him, sigh loudly and step out of the car. Even if the vampires around here were a threat, I am invisible to everyone but John at the moment. Too bad John doesn't realize that and to everyone around him at the party he'll seem to be talking to the air.

John gets out of the car and starts briskly walking to catch up with me, as I have already started gliding towards the mansion. He jabbers into my ear about how a vampire is marrying a human girl and how there will be 'kick ass' food after the wedding. I ignore him like I so often do and John gets a few funny looks; after all he is wearing traditional wizard robes styled much like the ones in England and seemingly talking to himself. From what I hear John is practically the town fool. He walks around town, into the stores and diners wearing wizard robes and at times waving a wooden stick around. They say he gotten worse in the past months; apparently he's been talking to himself.

Inside the home I am hit with the overwhelming smell of flowers and perfume. Everywhere in bowls all around the place there are flowers. Flowers everywhere. As my mood goes down all the flowers in the large room shrivel up and die. I see the pixie vampire in the corner of the room talking to a group of guests. Her face darkens as she realizes all the flowers in the room have died. She excuses herself from the guests and in minutes all of the bowls are filled with fake, plastic flowers.

In time John and I are sitting down in chairs facing the alter. Flyers are passed out down the rows of people. _Congratulations Edwad and Bella!_

_Yes. Congratulations EDWAD and Bella! That's quite the typo right there. I think I'll actually start calling him Edwad… it just seems… right._ Right now Edwad is standing at the head of the room in front of the alter. The music starts playing and everyone stands and looks toward the staircase where I expect Bella will be making her grand entrance soon.

Seconds, and then minutes pass and still there is no Bella. Edwad is starting to look relieved, like he might actually get out of his impending marriage, but then Bella appears at the top of the stairs. I'm honestly surprised that the Edwad doesn't dissolve into tears right then and there.

Bella mumbles out to the room, "I, um, I got lost in the uhhhmmmmm, bathroom." Others might think she's just nervous, but really, that's just how she talks. Bella stumbles towards the beginning of the thirty or so steps of stairs. She tangled her five inch heels into the long white dress that she's wearing. There's hope for the little Edwad yet! Maybe he'll get lucky and she'll stumble to her broken death at the bottom of the stairs. But there's no luck for the Edwad, not today. Bella manages to make it to the bottom of the steps without breaking a single bone. But I see that she has managed to break Edwad's heart.

The Edwad is looking strained and close to tears at the front of the room. At one point he tries to make a run for it, but he is held back by his two brothers and he gives up. Bella misses the whole scene because she is too busy smirking her stupid, dipshit smirk at the floor.

The wedding passes slowly, there are a few more escape attempts by the Edwad and one by Bella who says she has to go to the bathroom 'really bad.' During the vows, Bella states that she would love only one man, unless she was allowed to love two men and could she do that because that would be 'totally coolness,' at which point Edwad bangs his head against the alter and has to be reprimanded by the priest. Edwad craps out some pretty half assed vows and Bella beams like he's offered her a lifetime supply of shoes.

They are married, and everyone is happy; everyone but Edwad.

When everyone has gone into the next room for the reception, I am left in the room with the Edwad, who is sitting in one of the chairs at the front of the room and appears to be praying quietly. Time to have some fun with an old friend. I sneak up behind him and whisper to him in my creepiest voice, "Congratulations…. Edwad."


	6. ClusterFuck

**Holly crud. I feel like such a bad person for not updating in such a long time. Everyone hates that person who doesn't update for months, heck, I hate that person too. But I've finally gotten my ass into gear and have written a new chapter, a final chapter, to a pretty short story. This chapter is going to be epic! Or about as epic as a story like this can get anyways. There are some allusions to other pieces of work in this chapter, so when you see something that is just totally like out there, try not to label me as crazy.**

The Cluster-Fuck/Shit Hits the Fan

After permanently scarring Edward for life I apparate to the reception taking place in the next room. The party is, as expected… pretty lame. Alice is trying to get the guests to play charades and her boyfriend, a pained looking blond vampire, is trying to help. And by trying to help I mean he is standing next to her, still as a statue, staring at the muggle guests with a hungry look on his face. Alice doesn't seem to realize this and continues her attempt to get people to play.

"Come on people! What am I?" she shouts while waving her hands around in a circular motion and kicking her legs out behind her, "JASPER! What am I!" she yells. Jasper rotates his head around slowly to look at her, goes back to staring at the people with a pained expression, and then he turns around and walks slowly out of the room. Alice watches him leave and for a few seconds looks pretty pissed off but then just as quickly as her sour expression appeared; it is replaced with a happy one as she goes back to her one person game of charades.

As I sit down at one of the many tables placed around the room Edward walks into the room looking shaken and is almost immediately attacked by Bella who wants to dance. Edward reluctantly agrees to dance but not before yelling 'Look! Over there!', 'Wow! There's a buffet!' and saddest of all, 'The DJ is taking requests… that's totally coolness….' But none of them works. But after enduring about fifteen seconds of dancing with his new bride, he reverts to a new tactic: Pushing Bella down to the ground and high-tailing it out of there.

The blond vampire Rosalie, who was recently sitting in a corner of the room with another vampire, struts up to Bella, who is just getting up from the ground with her usually dazed face. Rosalie stops in front of the muggle, smirks, and tosses her hair.

"Looks like Edward doesn't want you anymore," she smirks and tosses her hair again, "And really why would he. You're just an ugly little human, and he wants _me_," she finishes by once again tossing her hair over her shoulder.

Bella looks at the blond vampire clearly scandalized, or maybe scandalized, she kind of looks constipated, and struggles for words, opening and closing her mouth at least five times, "R-Rosalie! You're his sister! Do you have any idea how wrong that is?"

By now they have attracted quite a crowd of people and the family of vampires excluding Edward, who is over at the bar, and Jasper.

Rosalie throws her hands up into the air, "How many times do we have to tell you this! We're adopted!"

"So what it's still wrong! You both come from Carlisle!" Bella mutters back.

"That doesn't fucking matter! And it doesn't change the fact that we will be together!"

"You're with Emmett!"

That's when shit hits the fan.

Everyone turns their attention to the bar as there is a large crash, except for Bella who looks in the opposite direction and whispers 'What was that?' Emmett has tackled Edward and they are now rolling around on the floor. The head vampire of the coven jumps into the fray and tries to stop the fight and while Edward might be ready to stop fighting; it looks as if Emmett won't be ready to stop until Edward is dead.

From the top of the staircase someone yells in a wavering voice, "I have killed again!" I turn and can't help nearly laughing my ass off.

Jasper is standing at the top of the stairs, bloodied and creepy as ever, only now his creepy eyes are a new color. Red. He is holding a very dead Bella in his hands. Wait, wasn't Bella just standing in the middle of the crowd on the dance floor? I switch my gaze to the dance floor and back to Jasper again and again. How did she… in less than one minute…! That muggle is/was quite the multitasker.

A scream comes from a muggle in the crowd and in the middle of the dance floor Rosalie is looking just as confused as I. She throws her hands up in the air as if to ask Jasper, 'Jesus Christ! What the fuck is wrong with you!'Jasper simply stares back at her nervously, looking pained. She pushes her way out of the crowd and starts to stomp up the stairs towards Jasper but before she can get there something large crashes through the wall and into her. She flies to the opposite wall, hits it with a crash, lands on her feet in a crouch and lets out an enraged growl.

Oh goody, it's the wolves. Three of them stand at the bottom of the stairs in their wolf form. One of them changes into his human form and stands there, butt-naked in front of everyone. He is revealed to be Jacob, Bella's second true love. The crowd gasps and the teenage girls start to giggle and swoon amongst each other.

He spots Edward fighting with Emmett and shouts, "Where is she!" They completely ignore him.

He glances up the stairs and sees Jasper, who is looking more nervous than ever. Jacob growls and Jasper drops Bella, who tumbles down the stairs to land at Jacob's feet. Before the wolf can tear into him Jasper makes his escape by jumping out of a window at the top of the stairs. Two of the wolves run out of the house and after him and Jacob sinks to his knees to start performing CPR on Bella. Smart right?

At this point Edward and Emmett unconsciously decide that it is a good time as any to move their fight to the center of the room and knock over dozens of people while doing so. After a few more seconds of fighting, during which the crowd of muggles takes form around them once again, they stop and stand about ten feet apart from each other with Emmett facing the large hole in the wall and Edward with his back to it.

Edward stands there breathing heavily and holds his hands out in front of him in a sign of peace, "Brother! We don't have to do this!" he whines, "I am NOT fucking your wife!" Bad choice of words there, Eddie. Emmett's face screws into a mask of fury and he tenses to jump at Edward, but before he can, a small voice rings out through the temporarily silent room.

"Cedric!"

Edward freezes and turns to stare at the hole in the wall that was left by the wolves earlier. In the entrance of that hole stands a young Asian woman who is glancing confusedly at Jacob who is still trying to breathe life into Bella.

Emmett throws his hands up in the air and shouts, "Who the hell is Cedric?" At this point Edward is paler than I have ever seen him before and he looks even more petrified than he did at the altar; which is saying something.

The girl points to Edward and says, "He is." The eyebrows of every vampire in the room shoot up at almost the same time.

Edward seems to snap out of whatever fear induced trance that he had been in and shakes his head back and forth waves his hands back in forth in front of his face and smiles nervously, "Naw, naw, girl. Dat ain't me. Dat ain't me," he drawls. The girl simply looks confused.

"Bro… why you talking like that?" Emmett asks him with a frown. Edward has no answer he just mumbles to himself and avoids eye contact with the witch from his past.

"No! That is you! Cedric, what the hell happened to you? Harry said that you were killed by You-Know-Who, but here you are alive and well," she seems quite flustered now and is quickly advancing towards Edward. The crowd parts for her and Edward holds out his hands in front of himself as if to ward her off and stumbles away from her quickly. "Why did you leave us Cedric? I thought you _loved _me!" she continues advancing on him and he stumbles into Emmett who shoves him away and right into the witch. They collide and she grabs onto his arms to keep herself from falling.

Her eyes widen and she frowns, "Why is your skin so cold?" She looks up at him and her eyes widen further, "You're really pale… Why are you so pale Cedric?"

"Because he's a fucking vampire," a voice shouts out from the edge of the room. Everyone turns to look at Jacob who is still performing CPR on a now long dead Bella. He pauses and looks up, "Just sayin," he shrugs. The witch tears herself from Edward and runs for the exit screaming.

The witch is the first in the room to start screaming, but after that one scream all of the humans seem to follow suit as they realize there is a vampire in their midst. They all scramble towards the exits, mostly towards the hole in the wall. The witch has a good five second head start on the rest of the guests but by the time she gets to the door someone is already waiting for her. Five of the Volturi are blocking the hole in the wall. They're not actually a problem for the witch who simply pulls out her wand and apparates before they can grab her. The lot of them looks fairly confused for a few seconds, but then the first wave of muggles hits them and they are preoccupied with ripping out throats and such.

The voice of the vampire Jane rings out above the frightened crowd, "Cullen Coven! You have been charged with high treason for endangering the secrecy of the vampire world!" The 'Cullen Coven' tries to bolt but before he can there is a flash of white light and…. Holy shit.

Dumbledore has arrived with none other than John Morton at his side. The smug fuck turned me in. I had been wondering where he went to- but holy shit!

"Tom Riddle!" Dumbledork bellows out to the room. I figure that now is as good a time as any to have an epic battle to death with my arch enemy Dumbledore, so I glide out of my seat and reveal myself to the room. There is an almost collective gasp throughout the room and then about five people shout 'It's you!' Including one young girl who I've never seen before and whose tone is much more delighted than the rest of those who had shouted.

Dumbledore smiles at me and casts a spell at the hole in the wall and it automatically seals, "So you can't escape so easily this time," he says.

Dumbledore and I stare each other down solemnly, he with that annoying ever-present twinkle in his eye and me with my awesome totally cool eyes. Then we begin to exchange curses. The muggles and vampires around the room all but press themselves up against the wall in fear. The only one who seems unaffected is Jacob who is _still_ attempting to revive Bella. I hit Dumbledore with a particularly effective spell and it causes him to temporarily lose his focus. I take this chance and shoot the killing curse at him. What I do not is expect is for Dumbledore to recover from the previous curse so quickly and send a killing curse at me as well.

When the two jets of green light collide, a third jet light shoots out of the center and hits the thing closest to it. That thing just happens to be Bella. She shoots up into the air in the blink of an eye and falls back to the ground just as quickly. All is quiet for a moment but for the fighting between Dumbledore and myself, then Bella shoots up into a sitting position and smiles looking nearly demonic.

This seems to be the final straw for Edward who screams like a girl and tries to press himself up against the wall even more. As Bella jumps up and skips towards him with the same crazy smile plastered on her face Edward seems to lose it and leaps into the middle of our fight.

"Kill me!"

"Edward we can be together forever now!"

"Is that Cedric Diggory?"

With Dumbledore completely shocked by the sudden appearance of Cedric Diggory I take my leave but not before shooting a jet of flame at Edward, who burns like a copy of a really crappy book. I don't waste any time to stick around and see what happens after that. I flip the bird at a scared shitless John Morton and mouth, 'You're gonna die.' Then I apparate from Forks, Washington, never to return again… probably.

Bella Swan was devastated after the death of her one true love and husband Edward Cullen… she was devastated for about two minutes before she ran off with Jacob Black to be married. After three months of marriage Black suddenly disappeared. Bella was quoted as saying she 'totally really' doesn't know what happened to him and his disappearance was 'totally not coolness.'

In the last 400 years of their existence, Carlisle and Esme Cullen weirdly created over four dozen creepy teenage vampires. They perished in the Great Robot Wars of 2313.

Alice was sent to the vampire correctional rehab center in 2012 where she was treated for her vampire powder addiction (she saw this coming, by the way.) However she did not complete her treatment as about ten minutes after being admitted she ran away to Mexico with a security guard named Bert.

After 60 years of a semi happy relationship, Rosalie and Emmett split. Rosalie became a model for Covergirl before tragically dying during her stint in the winter Olympics. Emmett joined the army along with his brothers Wolverine and Sabertooth who were changed in the year 2011. After many years of fighting in wars, Sabertooth's shit seriously gets fucking out of hand. He's raping everybody, right? So Wolverine quits and soon like everybody else on the team quits too cause they're just fucking sick Sabertooth raping everyone and they're also probably sick of having to kill people. But Emmett sticks with Sabertooth cause he's always got his back. Soon enough Stryker, who was the head of Emmett's unit is all like, '…Hey! You guys gotta go kill everyone who quit the team! They suck.' So then Emmett and Sabertooth go out into the big ole world and kill everybody who was on the team except for Logan because he's a bit trickier to catch. (Did I mention Logan has like knives for fingers? Because he does.) So the brothers make a plan to make it look like they killed Wolverine's lady. But she's really Stryker's daughter and she only helps them because he will hurt her twin sister if she doesn't do what he says. Eventually Wolverine wins and he decides not to kill Emmett because Emmett is just too cool to kill. But someone rudely shoots Wolverine in the head and he forgets everything about everything. Then about three more movies worth of stuff happens.

John Morton was found dead in his home with a plate containing scrambled eggs and bacon in the shape of a smile on his chest, approximately two weeks after the Cluster-Fuck at the Cullen's house.

The Volturi went back to being their same dick selves back in Italy until 2092 when their castle was invaded by CIA agents with new vampire killing technology.

Dumbledore was killed by Snape in battle at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Voldemort lived for freaking ever and brought the whole of the wizarding world to its knees.

Jasper… was never seen again…


End file.
